Starting Over

I'm a 24 year old failure. I haven't accomplished anything that I have set out to do. I am stupid. I make horrible decisions. I can't handle the real world. I have nothing to offer anyone. 

Those have been the thoughts that have filled my head for the last six months. Well longer than that actually, I was only a 23 year old failure then though, or 22, 21, 20, 19, 10. What’s worse is that they don't just fill my head, but also my heart and spill out into my daily actions in life. They affect what I do and how I do it. I have "started over" too many times to count. Deciding each time that this will be "it" this will be the magical turning point in my life that will make all the difference. I'll never be lazy again, I'll never make another bad decision, I'll never lose faith again. This time I am going to be perfect. 

I'd like to think that lately I have matured. It took a ground shaking, rock bottom finding kind of realization in order to do that. I made possibly the worst decision I ever could have. I gave things away that weren't mine to give, and gave them to someone who was not worthy of them. I threw everything I knew to be true out the window for this person. In the end I just felt hollow, a feeling that I have come to know all too well over the years. But this time I'm not starting over. I am not erasing my past. My past is messy, complicated, and full of pitfalls. But somehow along that path I have become something beautiful. I don't know how it happened, or when it happened. But it did. I looked in the mirror this morning and recognized someone there I haven't seen in a long time. In my eyes I saw a soul at peace, I saw me smiling back and happy to be here. And though it took a lot of work, and a lot of help, to pull out of the mess I made I know I came through it full of an assurance that I am worth it.  I am worth everything. 

So I'm not starting over, not now, not ever. Starting over means discounting where you have been. I am not going to cling to or live in my past, but I'm not going to ignore it either. I'm going to hold my head up high progress towards what I know lies ahead for me. My past doesn't define me, but it has shaped me. I have been through the refiners fire, and I will go through it again and again until I am who I am meant to be. But this is a process, not a quick fix. And I have time to keep working on it, I have all the time He gives me, and all the grace I need to accomplish it. I'm not going to let every set back deem me a failure. I know that I will make mistakes, I count on it actually. But that doesn't mean all my progress is lost, just that I still have areas in which I can improve. 

So here's what I am 

-A 24 year old college senior

-A loving person

-Someone who stops to take care of others

-A woman with a tender heart that gets broken at times

-I am beautifully flawed

-I am me, and that is enough

-A talented, gifted, hilarious and beautiful person

-I am a child of God

So here's to the future! 

"And now if men come unto me I will show them there weakness. I give unto all men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all me that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" ~ Ether 12:27