Starting Over

I'm a 24 year old failure. I haven't accomplished anything that I have set out to do. I am stupid. I make horrible decisions. I can't handle the real world. I have nothing to offer anyone. 

Those have been the thoughts that have filled my head for the last six months. Well longer than that actually, I was only a 23 year old failure then though, or 22, 21, 20, 19, 10. What’s worse is that they don't just fill my head, but also my heart and spill out into my daily actions in life. They affect what I do and how I do it. I have "started over" too many times to count. Deciding each time that this will be "it" this will be the magical turning point in my life that will make all the difference. I'll never be lazy again, I'll never make another bad decision, I'll never lose faith again. This time I am going to be perfect. 

I'd like to think that lately I have matured. It took a ground shaking, rock bottom finding kind of realization in order to do that. I made possibly the worst decision I ever could have. I gave things away that weren't mine to give, and gave them to someone who was not worthy of them. I threw everything I knew to be true out the window for this person. In the end I just felt hollow, a feeling that I have come to know all too well over the years. But this time I'm not starting over. I am not erasing my past. My past is messy, complicated, and full of pitfalls. But somehow along that path I have become something beautiful. I don't know how it happened, or when it happened. But it did. I looked in the mirror this morning and recognized someone there I haven't seen in a long time. In my eyes I saw a soul at peace, I saw me smiling back and happy to be here. And though it took a lot of work, and a lot of help, to pull out of the mess I made I know I came through it full of an assurance that I am worth it.  I am worth everything. 

So I'm not starting over, not now, not ever. Starting over means discounting where you have been. I am not going to cling to or live in my past, but I'm not going to ignore it either. I'm going to hold my head up high progress towards what I know lies ahead for me. My past doesn't define me, but it has shaped me. I have been through the refiners fire, and I will go through it again and again until I am who I am meant to be. But this is a process, not a quick fix. And I have time to keep working on it, I have all the time He gives me, and all the grace I need to accomplish it. I'm not going to let every set back deem me a failure. I know that I will make mistakes, I count on it actually. But that doesn't mean all my progress is lost, just that I still have areas in which I can improve. 

So here's what I am 

-A 24 year old college senior

-A loving person

-Someone who stops to take care of others

-A woman with a tender heart that gets broken at times

-I am beautifully flawed

-I am me, and that is enough

-A talented, gifted, hilarious and beautiful person

-I am a child of God

So here's to the future! 

"And now if men come unto me I will show them there weakness. I give unto all men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all me that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" ~ Ether 12:27

Who am I?

Lately I have been questioning my own self a lot. Not in a negative way, but truly asking myself who I am, what do I stand for, how do others see me, how do I see me and most importantly how does my Heavenly Father see me? Through this time of thought I have been privileged to be inspired by wonderful people who talk on this subject.  Two weeks in a row I feel like devotional has been about who we are, who we were and and who we are meant to be. Also I am reading a book called No Doubt About It by Sheri Dew and the book talks about the divine nature of people, well more specifically women.
Something I read really got me thinking tonight. In the book (I am to lazy to go get it so this is majorly paraphrased) it says that each face we look on is no mere mortal, each of us is a god and goddess, we are of noble birth, and have a divinity. No matter how insignificant any person seems to be, they are a child of God, they have the potential to be like him. This struck me, because I easily see others being gods and goddesses, but I don't see that in myself. Yet there was no sentence saying everyone except someone who has made the mistakes you have and that has the weakness you have can be a god. No not even close to that, it says everyone. I guess I am included in that.
Also in this book it talks about how when we were living in heaven with our Father we knew what we were getting into coming here. We fought by the side of Christ and chose this path. And then we were sent here in this time when the world seems to be falling apart (probably because it is) because we were noble, courageous and strong enough to face this time. We have the ability to overcome the obstacles that are present in this day, in this time. Just stop and think about that. We were not sent here because they needed to send just anyone to fill space, we aren't here by mere accident. We were chosen for this time. This is when we are NEEDED. Who we were in the pre-mortal existence was of significance. Our Father saw us as the strongest of his children, he knew we could handle it. How nice it would be to remember that daily, even better would be to be able to remember the strength we had then. And we can in ways, we can let the Spirit guide us and show us our strengths. We just have to be willing to do that.
One more thing that this book made mention of was that Joseph Smith asked to see himself as God sees him. And I just can't help but wonder what I would see if I could see myself the way God does. I imagine I would be less critical of myself and would see the good I am but recognize my weaknesses as places for growth. Also would I be able to better understand who he wants me to be if I could see myself a he does? I guess the best I can do there is pray to have his guidance as I progress so that I can be the person he needs me to be.
I have come to realize lately that no matter what I think I am, I am undoubtedly my Heavenly Fathers child, and I have a purpose on this earth. It's about time I start working harder to be the me I can be and learn to accept that I have worth.
So who am I? Well here is a short list I have so far: I am a woman of God who understands my role on this earth is to uplift and encourage people to foster their growth and my own. I am someone who has high standards for herself and is not willing to sacrifice them for any reason, for as long as my standards are those which my Father would have me have he will bless me with opportunities for happiness that suite my standards. I am someone who has made mistakes, has had my heart broken, and has felt defeated at times, but I am not those things, I am someone who survived those things and became stronger for doing so. I am someone who has the ability to comfort others, and love them through the hard times.  I am most importantly not perfect. But I am someone working hard to be, and who knows that it won't happen soon and that it won't be easy, but who will push on anyways. And I am strong and brave, though my daily battles may seem pathetic to others (and even to myself at times) I know that they are mine. The things that scare me may be silly but if I keep facing my fears and doing my best to step outside my comfort zone I will become even stronger than I ever thought I could be. I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS! But who I am going to be is great, and I won't settle for less than I have the potential to be.

Hello LG, Puddles!!, Goodbye Blockbuster, Hat's are hot(t), and febreeze as a breath freshner....

Okay it has been a long while, ang I promise I have my reasons for not updating this.
My list of excuses:
-I had no internet for the first 3 weeks in LG
-When I did have internet I had no router, and I didn't want to sit on the tv to write my blog
-Now that I have both I have been super busy, you know full time student, working 30 hours a week, social life (lol, we all know that is a lie), blah blah blah
-My fingers hurt
-There's better things to watch on TV
-I bought a new movie
-The rain in Spain....have you heard it stays mainly on the plains?

Okay well let's start at the very beginning (that's a very good place to start..when we read we begin with abc...)

Hello LG!
I am back in La Grande!!!! And I can honestly say now that I love it. Do I miss my home...no...do I miss my family? Yes!!! But I have worked through the homesickness (it was touch and go for awhile) and now I am okay with being away from them and being here. I forgot how much I love LG, it is so pretty and friendly.
I have an awesome new roomie. She cracks me up. She's crazy and cooky and makes delicious breakfast burritos for dinner...yummm tasty. My apartment is adorable, tiny, but very adorable. I refer to it as the rabbit whole, because it is underground and tiny. I love it! It has a giant bathroom that you could host parties in...maybe someday. ;) 

Puddles!!
So my first Sunday here it was a beautiful fall day, and it rained and it was cloudy and there were pretty yellow leaves on the trees. Just my kind of day :). Anyways by the time we got out of church, and finished watching Mary Poppins there were a ton of puddles....big puddles! So the logical choice was to go puddle jumping. So Amanda and I dawned our finest attire (um old tennies and sweatshirts..) and headed out to the wetness. We founded Lake Comanda, a puddle right outside our aptartment. It was amazing. We found a few more friends and had a blast jumping in all the puddles and acting like 5-year-olds. Amazing!

Goodbye Blockbuster....
Okay I have to admit I do not miss blockbuster being open, I can not say that I ever went in there let alone actually rented something there, but I still think it is sad that the only movie rental place in La Grande was closed down. Instead they now have redboxes, and a blockbuster machine at the Safeway. Now at first I had no problem with this. I am cheap and antisocial so redbox is awesome. It's $1.99 and I don't have to deal with people I don't know and the awkwardness I create around them. But it hit me the other day that the world is changing. Most people I know don't go into the bank ever (me included...remember anti-social?), they either ATM it or have direct deposit and bank online, no interaction necessary. More and more diners are disappearing, in their place come fast food. While you do have to interact a bit to order through the drive threw, it still is less personable. you shout an order at a speaker and then get rushed through and your food thrown at you threw a window (fun right?). I can think of hundereds (maybe that is an exaggeration) of other examples of this, and I think it is kind of sad. I also think it is sad that I am part of the problem. And weirdly enough the thing that started this whole train of thought was watching an episode of friends ( I think...some 90's tv show) and they were picking out a movie at a rental place. And I thought wow that is so obsolete anymore, and they made it look fun. Like trying to find a good book in a Library. Drifting down the isles picking at things here and there until you find something that just calls to you (I know, I am pretty intense about my library experiences.) It just seemed like a nice thing to do. So much for that....

Hat's are hot(t)
So the first week of school I found a job, an answer to my prayers and a confirmation of sorts to a larger prayer. Anyways I work on campus (which is awesome because I get weekends and Holidays off so I can go see my family!) at a little store/food place for lack of a better description. Now I cannot say this is my dream job, I never wanted to work in food, and as anyone who knows me knows I hate retail type jobs, but here I am again taking diseased money and listening to customers whine (well not to often, they are mostly really cool people.) I love most of the people I work with, and the rest are starting to grow on me. My boss is amazing and hilarious. It is always interesting when we get to work with her. Oh and by we I mean me and Katelynn, whom I work with everyday. She freaking rocks. So what does this all have to do with hats and their hot(t) factor? Well my biggest complaint of this job it that i have to wear a hat. My head gets so stinkin hot. And if I want to do anything after work I have to redo my hair, which is annoying. And none of this is hott. 

Febreze as a breath freshner....
So one of my really good friends drank some febreze tonight. At first I was pretty darn concerned....suicide by febreze, well that seems idiotic at best. Luckily it was on accident, and it was just a spray in the mouth, he will live. But I think it is freaking funny, I love him but he is a crazy some days. His biggest complaint is that he can still taste it....lol. He called me and I googled it, febreze, just in case you wanted to know, is pretty much non-life threatening. The worst case scenario is vomiting and diarrhea (a word I never thought would be in any blog I ever wrote.)That's all about that though. 


Okay so that is all folks. I will try to get on more regularly so I don't have these mega blogs, we'll see how that goes though.

Peace and blessings, peace and blessing.

-CJ

I have this amazing, crazy, beautiful, smart, cooky friend....

Us being, well Us. 

Bubbles!!

Who I must say makes my life so much better. Sometimes I will be doubting everything in my life, and when I get around her things just seem to make more sense and I am more confident in who I am and what I am doing. I would not say that I need her to be me, but having her around definitely gives me more courage to be me, and I would choose having her any day (even when she is a frankapotamus).

Last night in Boise : )

So lately we have been through a lot together, some really amazing times, and some well not so much amazing as it is lame times. We spent 3 days stranded in Boise, extremely stressed out and sleeping together on a sinking air mattress, and yet we love each other just the same. I have a lot of friends that after that we would have to have a breather, but nope we still spend every moment possible together, because she is quite frankly amazing. And this week as my life seems to be crumbling (funny how life does that when you are so stinkin' happy) she is right there for me. Letting me vent and whine, well we take turns doing this, and then making me laugh hysterically and doing crazy things like running wildly into the river with all our clothes on (well not running but more like stumbling over painful rocks.) That is all that is on my mind right now, just my amazing best friend who is snoozing away right now in my bedroom, where I will be as soon as I tire myself out.

~CJ

Footsies!

Smile and maybe tomorrow You'll see the sun shining through For you.

“If you smile when no one is around, you really mean it” – Andy Rooney

Lately I cannot stop from smiling. I am just sitting there and I realize that I am grinning from ear to ear. And I have to say I like it . Life is so exciting right now. So many things to be happy for. I just am in love with life right now. Now if only my cheeks didn’t hurt so much!

That’s all I have for today. Back to my homework now. So close to done I can almost taste it!

-CJ

I could have danced all night!

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, so watch your step." 

- Elder Holland

I just had one of thee best nights I have had in a long long time. One amazing friend, chinese food and endless chatting about love, and boys and a trip to Missouri. Not to mention the constant smile plastered on my face (But that is a whole other story). Such a lovely evening. I could do this every night for ever and be perfectly happy. But that is not how life goes, unfortunately life includes changes and there are some big ones ahead. I thought I was ready for all this but the closer I get to the day the more I realize just how scary this is and how much I haven't gotten done yet. It is easy to accept change when your life is in shambles, but when life is amazing, that is when it is harder to say goodbye. But I have faith that things will all work out, I have prayed about this unceasingly and I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. I know that I will be lead down the right path for me, and I will do my best to follow that path. So here I go, head first and toes cold. Life is going to be great. I just know it. :)


Wishing you all a load of happiness!


CJ

Who Am I?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Okay so something I've been thinking about a lot today is how I tend to sell myself short. Why the heck do I do this. Which is why I am loving this quote right now, as I am sure everyone else who as ever read it does. It is just perfect, why do we hide our light? Who exactly does that help? 

Now I am not saying by any means that I am perfect. But I am very good at a lot of things. Like painting for instance. I love to do it, but I always feel like I am inadequate. And then I go and paint something great, like my pot that I painted today. I love it, I love it so much I may never give it back to Rachel, okay so I will. But I do love it a lot. I sat and thought about what to paint on it for over an hour. I was just going to paint some flowers on it, and maybe shade it in and what not. But what I really wanted was a little girl picking flowers. Eventually I decided to stop being a chicken and go for it, and it is amazing if I do say so myself (which I do). 

So painting my flower pot may not be life changing, but it does signify something to me. I can do amazing things if I just do it (not to sound like a nike commercial, but it's too late for that.) Why waste all my time worrying about if I am good enough, when I can just step it up and find out. Yes I might just fall flat on my face, but maybe, just maybe, I will do great things. 

Thats just what I was thinking about today. 

Wish you well!

CJ

Oh and this is my lovely pot! (sorry the photo quality sucks, my computer does not take the best pics, and my camera is dead...)